Today I'm grateful:
To my parents for their live, support, care and understanding. For staying by me.
To Anya for her smile, for being so cool, fun, beautiful, kind, smart. For her love, inspiration, support, understanding. For new standards, for pushing me to grow up.
To God for giving me strengths and opportunities. For showing me next level. For staying by me. For his forgiveness.
To myself for resilience, strength, faith. For never giving up. For finishing, for believing in myself.
To Roma for being kind, open, warm-hearted. For being my little loving brother.
To uncle Igor for accepting me to his family and supporting me to get around in a new country when I young. Giving me an opportunity to move here.
To Yulia for getting me to the theater, for talking, listening, supporting me through my breakups.
worry about too many things to do. Scared of TGI exam. [feel], ashamed bc of mph and being in debts. Afraid to put Anya's name on the door, scared of landlord's reaction. Fear debts. Dk what to do with Areas of Life/Professional Life/University anymore. Like too many things at once and I'm trying to keep them all spinning at once. Feel a bit of resentment bc of Anya's apathy, laziness and weakness. She feels more and more like a distraction, like a burden.
Daily Journaling/Diary Logs
17:11 calm after Morning Routine
Possible trigger:
Additional Notes:
Somehow feel so calm today, much less irritated. My guess is that Routinist with it's constant nagging notifications pissed me off. (distractions)
Other emotions:
Additional Notes:
-> понял что последние дни easily distracted bc of increased avoidance urge (increased anxiety). Bc want to run away from uni, exams - that seems to be the main thing.
-> visualizing next day before sleep can help to reduce friction when starting and lower distractibility.
-> 📍 realized, that what you’re feeling it’s completely appropriate and normal considering circumstances that you are in. Obvious! No wonder you feel terror, fear of future, uncertainty, guilt, shame. You are in huge debts, should’ve graduated years ago, barely have any professional skills, wasted many years and opportunities, sitting home for months on end, have zero friends, addicted, on AD’s. Potential problems with law (AOK), uncertainty about visa. Like duh! Tons of problems and any second you can get hit so bad, that will just knock you out. So many things that are barely under control. So many potentially serious threats. Fazit: you are on the rock bottom, barely hanging on (broke and burned out) and there are many dragons that grew big enough that they could potentially take you out any second, so your body is prepared for anything each second.
Potential threads:
Uni - kicking out, forbidding to study/practice CS anywhere in DE
Residency - kicking out of the country; problems with Anya’s residency
General state of the world
corona: lockdown/crisis
left/right civil war threat
Addiction
and it’s potential for going out of control
tolerance
running out without any way to refill
possible health consequences
law consequences
Debts
-> having no backup money in case of emergency / unexpected expenses
going completely broke
needing to sell everything
having no money for living the way I live (food, meds, living)
Kneipe - Mieter leaving
need to sell, find new ones; need to renovate (money, effort)
losing sole income source, while being obligated to pay Hausgelder
Job search - finding no job
Anya leaving; something happens to parents/family