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00:30 ✍🏻 🔬 ❓ decided to just schedule tomorrow after finishing morning routine, end it feels like one of the best decisions. Maybe it’s just anxiety builds up when you create a rigid plan in advance.

✍🏻 FOCI focused work sessions Quantified Self/Biorhythms

✍🏻 ⛔️ ❤️ 14:10 feel bad after fritz kola

19:20 ✍🏻 👀 ❤️ feel much better after taking a pause and spending some time journaling in roam

-> ✍🏻 productivity

18:58 ✍🏻 small victory: replaced shame with understanding and practicality.

01:28 ✍🏻 can't sleep, trying for already 45 min.

✍🏻 after [[reducing zoloft]] begin to actually feel things again

18:03 ✍🏻 👀 -> 📍 Anya went out and I can instantly focus. It's impossible to focus around her at all. On anything! Any productive work can't be done!

10:59 ✍🏻woke up early, at 9 am. slept ~5h. started routine.

16:13 ✍🏻 Finished Migration: went through all TODO links and moved everything except bucket list items FLR

➕ ❓ ✍🏻 -> 📍remembered and noticed once again that most of the productive or at least focused (hyperfocused) work happens at night

18:30 ✍🏻 👀 ❤️ feel much better after getting it done: [*]({{DONE}} Verschieben TGI Termin)

21:52 ✍🏻 studied over an hour, proud.

19:19 ✍🏻 👀 Many people congratulated me, Anya even surpassed expectations - feel happy!

21:25 ✍🏻 after admitting to Anya that I was afraid and avoiding - anxiety lessened and was able to start studying

23:21 ✍🏻 ❤️ smh mph kicked in very hard this time.

21:31 ✍🏻 ❤️ 💫 almost in tears, listen to motivational talks and feel like wasting my life. realized why I feel bad around Anya: she is always tired, lazy, sleepy - and it feels like it’s contagious and that’s I’m catching it.

✍🏻 17:03 Ate pizza from dominos, now somehow sad and tired, bit depressed.

19:24 ✍🏻 ❤️ btw only in the afternoon, before that was sleeping in and was hard to wake up body and mind.

✍🏻 ❤️ 22:45 Feel so empty and sad, lonely

✍🏻 👀 02:56 чувствую что мне сложно именно вот как-то перейти to sleep.

✍🏻 ❤️

✍🏻 22:35 hate myself so much. so sick of this. so sick of my weakness, of excuses, avoidance, of wasting my life. it's all up to me. and currently - I fail myself.

✍🏻 👀 02:58 now I notice that I'm really falling asleep.

upd ✍🏻 much better than durex

23:17 ✍🏻 📅 Anya freaked out big time because I didn't take the phone, when I just could've been sleeping (was on WC) - it's so messed up...

01:31 ✍🏻 👀 ❓ 🔬 75mg zoloft seem to be a golden middle - PE isn’t too bad and energy levels are up

15:27 ✍🏻 ❤️ Hard to start working; dk where to start

21:31 ✍🏻 ❤️ feel so [[overwhelmed]] by trying to set up Notion. Everything is somehow so unnecessary complicated. Feels like I’m wasting my time, although it might become something.

✍🏻 changes/significant meds

12:30 ✍🏻 update to *: sleep inertia, feel like a mess. but not sleepy, like I got enough sleep.

✍🏻 03:57 took quetiapine 25 mg.

✍🏻 ➕ 👀 tech/apps/noteplan seems to be very good at bringing structure and calm

✍🏻 📅 Anya is talking whole day about me being irresponsible. E.g. that I didn't buy groceries for tomorrow morning (when I didn't even think we need it!)

✍🏻 22:15 Anya dropped the phone because I complained that she should watch out how she spends my money - about going tomorrow to Hamburg only to open bank account. (12 eur one way)

✍🏻 👀 21:15 laser focused, maybe mph, or that Im finally alone at home.

✍🏻 ➕ 👀 Listening to classical music in BG might be a good choice.

✍🏻 Spent hours trying to come up with a decent way to read wiki articles and clip notes in a structured manner. Jumped between Evernote, Command, Roam, MN. Such a waste of time and energy, hate it.

✍🏻 Dropped [[inflow: Procrastination module]], because not so relatable for the moment. Started with [[inflow: Managing Emotions Module]]

19:54 ✍🏻 was able to focus deeply with FOCI deep work mode

21:49 ✍🏻 urge to avoid is higher, for sure (together with anxiety, I guess). (20 min. in!)

✍🏻 ✨ flow mode feels like being a superhero.

✍🏻 10:48 Anya is truly ungrateful after all.

15:26 ✍🏻 took a nap together, back to being functional again

23:12 👀 ✍🏻 Anya is so dead, laying down looking sad, drowning in self-pity and weakness. Almost too painful to look at it. She just wastes her time.

17:17 ✍🏻 Day wasted chasing distractions.

✍🏻 👀 after talk with Anya feel bad. Shared how productive I were, didn't feel encouragement. Felt resentment after she put tasks on my shoulders.

✍🏻 📅 10:39 Anya's friend is in riding same train, interesting coincidence.

00:59 ✍🏻 somehow everything is getting better after Anya came back, guess -> fixed sleep schedule and nutrition changed everything.

09:31 ✍🏻 🔬 Still way too sleepy and thus unfocused and unproductive - let’s try to get some more sleep and see if it will fix it

00:16 ✍🏻 once again felt stuck, not understanding script material while preparing for TGI.

08:43 ✍🏻 🔬 woke up bit sleepy, but ready. bit distractive. maybe 6-7 hours is too little, but having 1 hour to fall asleep - too much, so will fall asleep earlier more easy today.

✍🏻 = Reports

✍🏻 ❤️ 20:15 Day spent in overwhelm and pain. After wasting time and downloading multiple apps started to hate myself and feel guilty (one of the apps was 8,99$). Brain fog set, big time IBS. So I just waited till I feel better.

16:18 ✍🏻 ❤️ smh feel down today.

✍🏻 ❤️ 15:47 Got triggered, spent over an hour installing apps

📍 ✍🏻 for the first time in a long time I fell into hyperfocus and flow thanks to new Ultraworking format

✍🏻 ❤️ Today feel even more depressed. Guess it was TBE after increasing zoloft to 100 mg.

21:51 ✍🏻 fapped before going to sleep.

23:55 ✍🏻 going to bed earlier. things seem to get better.

11:38 ✍🏻 watched TV for about an hour

✍🏻 👀 Looks like regular quetiapine gets my mind straight.

20:30 ✍🏻 ❤️ hard to start studying

✍🏻 dialogue from before (around 13:00)

19:25 ✍🏻 📍 📅 Weird. Anya freaked out after I went out walking for two hours. Demanded to defend myself and to prove where I’ve been. Called me multiple times when I hung up because I was at the counter. Want to know where I was on a minute by minute basis. It’s creepy. Such a violation of boundaries. Especially after forcing me to give her my IG account login infos. What about trust? conflicts

05:06 ✍🏻 ❤️ got some shit done, but should’ve gone to sleep sooner, now blame myself

✍🏻17:45 excited to start and try using Notion as a main LMS (at least for organized work)

✍🏻 📅 accidentally found out that Anya is talking with some Russian girl from KIT Chem. fac.. For two days already, and I found out only because I directly asked her if she is talking with someone new.

✍🏻 👀 -> 🌀 23:34 feel energy after eating, better mood and even ready to study

23:59 ✍🏻 ❤️ thing is: now mph is out and I feel same emptiness and no drive to do whatsoever. so it's more about balance rather than good/bad.

✍🏻 ❤️ 👀 21:14 Zwei Dociton machen wirklich den unterschied

📔 ✍🏻 17:22 ate pancakes, watched tv. smh feel sad, down.

01:38 ❤️ ✍🏻 Can't remember when was the last time I felt sooo bad. brain-fog, completely overwhelmed and lost in thoughts. Hyper fixated and cant stop.

17:33 ✍🏻 ❤️ whole day wasted - not productive at all.

18:23 ✍🏻 feel much better, completely different, after putting on posture corrector and really straightening out.

➕ ✍🏻 decided to try to use NotePlan, will try and see how it goes

✍🏻 📅 10:29 Feel so inspired. In ICE, outside is snowing.

✍🏻 Interstitial Journal

22:09 ✍🏻 ❤️ feel kinda stuck with TGI: waste time avoiding, trying to prepare mentally etc.

👀 ✍🏻 📍 The amount of work I’ve done and the depth of focus I’ve experienced in just one hour at co-working space is unbelievable.

08:44 ✍🏻 ❤️ woke up well rested after 6h of sleep