👀

20:20 👀 💫 much of this tension comes from expecting bad things when it's silent / feeling guilty when doing something for myself because of past abuse from Nika and mom, at least in form of silent treatment.

19:00 👀 Anya watching funny videos on youtube.

19:20 ✍🏻 👀 ❤️ feel much better after taking a pause and spending some time journaling in roam

👀 📍 after run feel more in control, calmer

👀 Apps/Tabs Outliner works surpisingly well - helps to maintain controlled chaos

03:18 👀 ❤️ ⭐️ 🔬 without MPH calmly fix things I avoided and get shit done.

18:03 ✍🏻 👀 -> 📍 Anya went out and I can instantly focus. It's impossible to focus around her at all. On anything! Any productive work can't be done!

everything went sideways when we stopped setting alarms for the morning. sleep schedule 👀

{{ARCHIVED}} 👀 ❓ watching motivational videos instead of just listening seems to pump me up even more 💭

18:30 ✍🏻 👀 ❤️ feel much better after getting it done: [*]({{DONE}} Verschieben TGI Termin)

19:19 ✍🏻 👀 Many people congratulated me, Anya even surpassed expectations - feel happy!

19:44 👀 update to *

✍🏻 👀 02:56 чувствую что мне сложно именно вот как-то перейти to sleep.

👀 comply foam headphones make a huge difference in cancelling noise and reducing input

✍🏻 👀 02:58 now I notice that I'm really falling asleep.

17:21 👀 ➕ I feel like I found a way out of depression (through necessity): it’s to emerge yourself into things / projects that excite you - they will give you an energy and make you alive once again. getting out of it

-> 👀 22:40 See caffeine having a huge effect on me.

-> 👀 📍 Endel in BG working like a charm

01:31 ✍🏻 👀 ❓ 🔬 75mg zoloft seem to be a golden middle - PE isn’t too bad and energy levels are up

👀 ❓ it’s interesting, that even when she seems to be doing something productive, most of the time she is just reading some spiritual books

👀 ❓ seems like it depends a lot on speed of workflow, when using tools: whether you'll get carried away/ overwhelmed by complexity or keep momentum going

👀 Anya is somehow so sad. idk how I could stay with her for so long.

✍🏻 ➕ 👀 tech/apps/noteplan seems to be very good at bringing structure and calm

📅 👀 Anya switched pillows when I was in the toilet.

👀 = Observation of something that just recently happened

✍🏻 👀 21:15 laser focused, maybe mph, or that Im finally alone at home.

👀 ➕ Endel with APP feel like bringing you to another space and dimension.

✍🏻 ➕ 👀 Listening to classical music in BG might be a good choice.

23:05 👀 after eating feel much better. but still avoidant. guess TGI is a huge trigger.

11:15 👀 see my distractibility increasing after coming back from a run

-> 👀 🔬 ❤️ guess [[mph sublingual]] really makes a difference, today much more productive and focused and in control.

👀 Observations

👀 ❤️ 🔬 ⛔️ Feel so anxious when thinking about talking to her friends. social-anxiety at it's finest. weird. don't like it. guess [[reducing zoloft]] has it's downsides.

21:09 👀 💭 it is hardly possible to build and maintain a relationship with a person who takes everything personally and who is greedy to a fault.

{{TODO}} 👀 👁 watch out: Anya tried to kill a spark. When I told about my desire to wake up at 4:30 she said why not 8? why this maximalism?

23:12 👀 ✍🏻 Anya is so dead, laying down looking sad, drowning in self-pity and weakness. Almost too painful to look at it. She just wastes her time.

✍🏻 👀 after talk with Anya feel bad. Shared how productive I were, didn't feel encouragement. Felt resentment after she put tasks on my shoulders.

21:05 👀 ⭐️ 👁 ➕ It's so weird and I hate to admit it and don't understand why, but once mph is wearing off - I begin doing things I avoided and couldn't bring myself to do for two days straight. How can something feel so right and in the end be so wrong?

19:25 👀 ⭐️ ➕ saw multiple MPH pills once again in a poo.

✍🏻 👀 Looks like regular quetiapine gets my mind straight.

👀 Feel motivation raising even after reading tweet, watching video of some productive folks

22:30 👀 ➕ have just crazy focus: feel amazing. feel my body vibrating, in the moment. dk what happened. flow state?

16:37 👀 💫 What bugs me more than anything about Anya: her constant complaints, her blame shifting (never taking fault), her aimlessness, her self-pity (indulging in her weaknesses), her laziness, her attention/validation seeking, her entitled mindset.

21:30 👀 ❤️ felt my heart pumping when looked at my tasks on university todo list.

21:20 👀 ❤️ even small pause in between tasks and anxiety starts to build up

01:48 (January 18th, 2021) 👀 after shower feel completely different, "fixed".

👀 ❓ 14:15 Anya said to her mom "let's talk on Monday". I guess they secretly discuss some shit.

19:00 👀 ❤️ 🔬 so tense around people, so anxious. Hard to look in the eyes. zoloft? social-anxiety

💫 👀 👁 Интересно что в любое свободное время я занимаюсь приложениями: скачиваю, устанавливаю, придумываю, разрабатываю. Наверно это просто как развлечение, ничего серьезного; но если мне нравится, то может быть стоит посвятить себя этому себя больше?

✍🏻 👀 -> 🌀 23:34 feel energy after eating, better mood and even ready to study

✍🏻 ❤️ 👀 21:14 Zwei Dociton machen wirklich den unterschied

15:58 👀 most of all motivation in studying appears when I understand everything

👀 ❤️ after coffee feel much better

👀 at night it's clearly much easier to focus and think. like when the light goes off - every distraction disappears

-> 👀 So motivated after connecting with right mindset through listening to right people. Really need to keep the company I keep in check.

👀 ✍🏻 📍 The amount of work I’ve done and the depth of focus I’ve experienced in just one hour at co-working space is unbelievable.

-> 👀 ❤️ The more I get my life together - the better, the more motivated, inspired to move forward I feel